100 Funny Dark Jokes That Will Make You Smirk

1. Why did the zombies get divorced? Their marriage was dead.

2. Why did the lion go to therapy? He found out his wife was a cheetah.

3. How are marriages like algebra? When you look at your X, you can't help but wonder Y.

4. My husband told me to do whatever makes me happy. I'm going to miss him.

5. Why is being married worse than having to go to work? Because at least with work there's a chance you'll get a new boss.

6. I don't go to vampire weddings. They usually suck.

7. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… so she gave me a hug.

8. How are husbands like wine? They take forever to mature.

9. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

10. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

11. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

12. I went to see my dentist and he warned me it was going to hurt. He ended up telling me he was having an affair with my wife.

13. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"

14. Wife: "I'm pregnant." Husband: "Hi pregnant, I'm dad." Wife: "No, you're not."

15. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

16. I just came across my wife's Tinder profile and I'm so angry about her lies. She is not "fun to be around."

17. My wife says making love is even better on vacation. I wish she didn't tell me via email.

18. I told my therapist that my wife and I have no chemistry. He didn't have a reaction.

19. What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind. Marriage is eye-opening.

20. My wife is mad I ruined our anniversary, which is odd. I don't even know when it is.

1. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

2. My therapist told me I tend to go after damaged people because I think I can help them. I replied, "You too."

3. My boyfriend dumped me because he says I'm "too mysterious." Or did he?

4. My girlfriend said nothing would make her happier than getting a ring on her birthday, so I got her nothing.

5. Today, I asked my phone "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

6. They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

7. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

8. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

9. My boyfriend said to me the other day, "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new." Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything."

10. The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.

11. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but I suck at fishing.

12. You know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

13. I don't make mistakes. I date them.

14. My girlfriend dated a clown before me. I've got some big shoes to fill.

15. I was told to never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

1. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

2. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care.

3. You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

4. I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother. Not screaming like her passengers.

5. Why is it that if you donate one kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?

6. I'll never forget my father's last words to me just before he died: "Are you sure you fixed the brakes?"

7. Happy 70th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!

8. I started crying when Dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good hamster.

9. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn't a mourning person.

10. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

11. The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

12. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin' hot body!

13. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

14. What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer's funeral? Not a word.

15. "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

16. Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating? Because they have no body to go with.

17. What's the quickest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of a busy road.

18. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

19. I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

20. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

1. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

2. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

3. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can't be found.

4. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

5. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

6. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was five.

7. My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive," but it's hard without her.

8. I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!

9. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

10. What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.

11. When a kid burned down his house, his father watched, put an arm around his wife, and said, "That's arson."

12. We treat our father like a god. We ignore him until we need something.

13. I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

14. What did the cow say to the leather chair? "Hi, Mom!"

15. I visited my childhood home and asked if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

16. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don't live in a swing state.

17. Son: "Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?" Dad: "Call me George."

18. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

19. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

20. Good moms let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great moms turn them off first.

1. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

2. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

3. Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

4. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

5. You know you're not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

6. Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

7. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

8. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

9. I have many jokes about unemployed people—sadly, none of them work.

10. I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a home page.

11. Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he's dead.

12. What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

13. What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

14. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

15. You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

16. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

17. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway.

18. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

19. I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

20. What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.

21. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.

22. What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

23. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

24. What is yellow and can't swim? A dead goldfish.

25. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.