75 French Jokes: Funny and Clean Puns That Will Crack You Up

1. What do you call your angry French aunt? A crossaunt.

2. A wealthy Frenchman was showing off his yachts. "This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six…" "What happened to five?" his wife asked. "Cinq," he answered.

3. What do French ducks say? "Quoi quoi."

4. Why do French people eat snails? Because they don't like fast food.

5. I went to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista. It was a regular French roast.

6. What happens when you drink too much water in Paris? European.

7. How did the French leader Napoleon have fun? By throwing a Bonapart-y.

8. What did the baguette say when it was being sliced? "Ouch! Le pain!"

9. Are you from Paris? Because you're driving me in-Seine.

10. What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.

11. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were walking down the street when a French fry caught the attention of Mr. Potato. Mrs. Potato said: "I see you eye-balling that French girl!"

12. What do you call a French guy wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe.

13. I asked a French man if he played video games. He said, "Wii!"

14. Why do the French make omelets with only one egg? Because in France one egg is un oeuf.

15. What do you call The Hunger Games in Paris? Battle Royale with cheese.

16. What do frogs eat in Paris? French flies.

17. I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris. Normally, the water is l'eau.

18. Did you hear about the crazy person that fell into the French river? He was in Seine.

19. Anyone can use my French Revolution joke. It's royalty-free.

20. What did the loanshark say to the Frenchman who loaned some money? When you come back, you better have my Monet.

21. Where does a French cat live? In Purr-is.

22. What would you call the Eiffel Tower if it falls over? The I Fell Tower!

23. What do French fries do when they run into each other? They ketch-up.

24. Why did the tourist want to visit France? Because it was a beret good time!

25. Don't eat the French fish. It's poissan.

26. What did the tourist's kid say when he saw the Eifel Tower? I love this French Tour.

27. How did the Paris police find Quasimodo? They followed a hunch.

28. What type of photography do French photographers like? Candide.

29. Why do most people love visiting France? It is a oui bit different!

30. What would a French dog who loves eating potatoes be called? A pomme de terrier.

31. What did the tourist say when his mother asked if he could visit France again? Of Corsican!

32. Where does a French cat live? In the Catacombs or in a chat-eau!

33. What's the difference between a tick and the Eiffel tower? Well nothing, after all, they are both Paris sites.

34. Why does everyone love visiting France? Because it is beautiful in every Cezanne.

35. How does one usually feel after visiting France? Fin-tastic.

36. Did you hear about the small chicken that lived in a Parisian opera house? It was called the bantam of the opera.

37. What type of breakfast do French people usually prefer? The breakfast of champignons.

38. Why do most French tourists end up happy after visiting France? It is impossible to Rouen the trip.

39. What did the French friend answer when he was asked to wear a costume for the party? I will come in dis-Guise.

40. Why is French onion soup a favorite amongst people in France? Because it is absolutely soup-er.

41. When I was in Paris, I had a terrible accident. Eiffel off a tower.

42. What did the wife say to her husband when they bought a new house in France? I Cannes watch the French Riviera from this view.

43. I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

44. What do people say in France after meeting someone they haven't met in a long long time? "Our paths will croissant again."

45. What did the French husband say when his wife said she will not go and dine with him? Wine not?

46. To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

47. What did the tourist decide after visiting France for the third time? He wanted to Gauguin.

48. Why did the woman hate being alone in a deserted street in France? Because it gave her the crepes.

49. What do French people say when they meet new people? I hope your Degas great!

50. Why do people from all around the globe love eating French food? Because the taste is brie-ond brie-lief!

51. What did the exasperated Frenchman say when his friend wouldn't keep quiet about France? Oh for crying out loud! Baguette up about it!

52. What do people usually say after visiting France? I ain't Lyon. I love France.

53. What did the husband say to his French wife when they were going on a trip? "How did you Charlemagne-age to pack so many things?"

54. Why do French people simply love their country and cultural heritage? They think that they are the creme brulee of the crop!

55. What did the French lover say to his wife who was late for work? "It is time to Hugo to work, mon cherie."

56. What did the mother say to his son when he verbally abused her? "I can't believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face."

57. What did the tourist say when he wanted to visit the French museum? I Musee French art.

58. When the French woman returned home after her trip, what did she say? I have so much to Marseilles about France.

59. Why do musicians love visiting France? Because of the good musee-c.

60. What did the French policeman say after charging the driver for DUI? "Why were you Rodin your car under influence?"

61. Qu'est-ce qu'un squelette dans un placard? Quelqu'un qui a gagné à cache-cache il y a très longtemps!

What's a skeleton in a closet? Someone who won at hide-and-seek a very long time ago!

62. Qu'est-ce que les fromages disent avant de se faire prendre en photo? Fromaaaaage!

What do cheeses say before getting their picture taken? Cheeeese!

63. Pourquoi les girafes ont-elles un long cou? Parce que leurs pieds sentent mauvais!

Why do giraffes have long necks? Because their feet smell bad!

64. Qu'est-ce qui a 13 cœurs mais pas d'organes? Un jeu de cartes!

What has 13 hearts but no organs? A deck of cards!

65. Comment appelle-t-on un chat tout-terrain? Un cat-cat!

What do you call an all-terrain cat? A cat-cat! (sounds like "quatre-quatre"/4x4)

66. Pourquoi les coqs sont-ils toujours à l'heure? Parce qu'ils ont un réveil intégré!

Why are roosters always on time? Because they have a built-in alarm!

67. Qu'est-ce qui peut faire le tour du monde en restant dans son coin? Un timbre!

What can go around the world while staying in its corner? A stamp!

68. Pourquoi les poissons n'aiment pas jouer au tennis? Parce qu'ils ont peur du filet!

Why don't fish like to play tennis? Because they're afraid of the net!

69. Qu'est-ce qui est jaune et qui attend? Jonathan!

What's yellow and waiting? Jonathan! (sounds like "jaune attend"/yellow waits)

70. Qu'est-ce qu'une baguette avec une calculatrice? Du pain intelligent!

What's a baguette with a calculator? Smart bread!

71. Pourquoi ne faut-il jamais raconter une blague à un ballon? Parce qu'il pourrait éclater de rire!

Why should you never tell a joke to a balloon? Because it might burst out laughing!

72. Que dit un escargot quand il croise une limace? "Tiens, t'as oublié ta maison!"

What does a snail say when it meets a slug? "Hey, you forgot your house!"

73. Qu'est-ce qu'un ours polaire? Un ours qui sait dire s'il vous plaît et merci.

What's a polar bear? A bear that knows how to say please and thank you.

74. Pourquoi le livre de maths est-il triste? Parce qu'il a trop de problèmes!

Why is the math book sad? Because it has too many problems!

75. Comment appelle-t-on un boomerang qui ne revient pas? Un bâton!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!