150 Halloween Jokes for Adults That Are Hauntingly Funny

1. What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.

2. Why are monsters so into astrology? They love reading their horror-scope.

3. What do skeletons do at wild parties? Pass around a joint.

4. How do you buy things on the dark web? With crypt-ocurrency!

5. What type of Halloween books do pumpkins write? Pulp fiction.

6. Why did the zombie get kicked out of church? It tried to eat the organ.

7. What happens when pumpkins drink alcohol? They get smashed.

8. What is the best Halloween pickup line? Are you a ghost? Because you've been haunting my dreams.

9. How did the real estate agent sell a home with a dozen witches in the bathtub? By noting it comes complete with a self-cleaning coven.

10. What did the ghost say when he found out he'd been scammed? It seems I've been bam-BOO-zled!

11. Why did the mummy never take a vacation day? He didn't know how to unwind.

12. How many skeletons do you have in your closet? None, but that's just because the body hasn't decomposed yet.

13. What happens when you stay up all night on Halloween? Wait for it—it will dawn on you.

14. Why did the ghost quit his job? They kept making him work the graveyard shift.

15. What should you do if there's a zombie attack? Play dead.

16. What do you call it when a vampire has a serious problem in his home? It's a Grave problem.

17. Why do cemeteries have walls and fences? Because people are always dying to get in.

18. What's the best way to catch a vampire? Have someone throw him to you.

19. Why should you avoid shopping centers around Halloween? Because if you've seen one, you've seen the mall.

20. What's a monster's favorite dessert? I scream!

21. Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them.

22. What did the vampire say to his hangry friend? Don't B-negative. Look for more positive.

23. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

24. Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation? The Dead Sea.

25. What's a vampire's favorite part of sex? Edraculating.

26. Why do Halloween ghosts moan, tremble and shiver? Because of what's happening under that sheet.

27. What is Dracula's porn star name? Vlad the Impaler.

28. Why did they discontinue making spider silk pants? They looked great, but the fly kept getting stuck.

29. What do ghosts order at the bar? Boos. And then they leave sheet-faced.

30. Why don't witches have babies? Their husbands have crystal balls.

31. Why was the jack-o'-lantern afraid to cross the road? He had no guts.

32. What do you call a fat pumpkin? A plumpkin.

33. Are any Halloween monsters good at math? No—unless you Count Dracula!

34. How do you fix a broken jack-o'-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

35. Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten.

36. What do you call a spider with 20 eyes? A spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider.

37. When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat? When you're a mouse.

38. What is a pause in work at a mortuary called? A coffin break.

39. What kind of monster loves to disco? The boogieman.

40. Why didn't the scarecrow eat dinner? He was already stuffed.

41. Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story? Because there are so many plots there.

42. What genre of music does a mummy like the best? Wrap!

43. Why are zombies so hard to understand? They're very crypt-ic.

44. Why did the skeleton quit his job? His heart wasn't in it.

45. What fruit do scarecrows love the most? Straw-berries.

46. Why was the witch late for work? She over-swept.

47. What do you call a lost wolf? A where-wolf.

48. Why are mummies always stressed out? They can't unwind.

49. Why did the invisible man quit his job? He couldn't see himself doing it.

50. What's a black cat's favorite song? "Three Blind Mice."

51. Why did the ghost need first aid? He had a boo-boo.

52. What do you call an enlightened werewolf? An aware-wolf.

53. Why can't you trust vampires? Because they're bat to the bone.

54. How are zombie boats operated? With skeleton crews.

55. Why don't witches like winter? Too many cold spells.

56. Why did the werewolf eat a bag of coins? He thought the change would do him good.

57. What day of the week do ghosts like best? Moan-day.

58. How do ghosts play the piano? They use sheet music.

59. Why doesn't Frankenstein dance? He has two left feet.

60. Why don't skeletons skydive? They don't have the guts.

61. Knock, knock. Who's there? Fangs. Fangs who? Fangs for letting me in!

62. Knock, knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry—I'm a friendly ghost!

63. Knock, knock. Who's there? Witch. Witch who? Witch one of you has the candy?

64. Knock, knock. Who's there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana suck your blood!

65. Knock, knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad it's Halloween.

66. Knock, knock. Who's there? Ice Cream. Ice cream who? Ice cream every time I see a ghost!

67. Knock, knock. Who's there? Phillip. Phillip who? Phillip my Halloween bucket!

68. Knock, knock. Who's there? Aida. Aida who? Aida whole bag of candy.

69. Knock, knock. Who's there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to give me more candy.

70. Knock, knock. Who's there? Getyur. Getyur who? Getyur fangs outta my neck!

71. Knock, knock. Who's there? Butter. Butter who? Butter open quick, I have a funny Halloween joke to tell you!

72. Knock, knock. Who's there? Tyson. Tyson who? Tyson garlic around your neck to keep the vampires away.

73. Knock, knock. Who's there? Ghost says! Ghost says who? No, ghost says boo!

74. Knock, knock. Who's there? Eddie. Eddie who? Eddie body home? It's Halloween!

75. Knock, knock. Who's there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda go out trick-or-treating with me tonight?

76. Knock, knock. Who's there? Voodoo. Voodoo who? Voodoo you think you are asking all these questions?

77. Knock, knock. Who's there? Witches. Witches who? Witches the way to the haunted house?

78. Knock, knock. Who's there? Hans. Hans who? Hans off my candy, Mom!

79. Knock, knock. Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for your Halloween party!

80. Knock, knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive your Halloween costume!

81. How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.

82. Why did the vampire read the New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.

83. Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.

84. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.

85. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

86. What's a vampire's least-favorite food? Stake.

87. How do vampires start their letters? "Tomb it may concern …"

88. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.

89. Which fruit is a vampire's favorite? Neck-tarine!

90. What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet? A bloodhound.

91. What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires? Fangs-giving.

92. What restaurant should you never take a vampire to? A stake house.

93. Why did the vampire fail art? He only knew how to draw blood.

94. Why do vampires have a hard time making friends? Because they are a pain in the neck.

95. What is a vampire's worst fear? Tooth decay.

96. Where do vampires deposit their paychecks? At the blood bank.

97. What do vampires use to make tea? Tampons.

98. What is a vampire's favorite Halloween candy? A sucker.

99. How did Dracula learn to be a vampire? He took a crash corpse.

100. What's a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor? Vein-illa.

101. Why are vampires terrible at baseball? Their bats fly away.

102. What's the best compliment to give a vampire? "You suck."

103. Why don't you ever have an unexpected pregnancy when dating a vampire? Because they can't come inside without asking permission.

104. What's unique about sex with vampires? They only come at night.

105. How did the woman learn her boyfriend was a vampire? He only came at night and would insist on giving oral the same time every month.

106. What's a zombie's favorite song? "Teenage Scream."

107. What kind of music do zombies listen to? The Grateful Dead.

108. Where do zombies live? On a dead end street.

109. Why don't zombies eat clowns? They taste funny.

110. What do you call a movie about zombies finding true love? A zom-com.

111. What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaains!

112. How do you know if a zombie likes someone? They ask for seconds.

113. What kind of bread do zombies like? Whole brain.

114. What is a zombie sleepover called? Mass grave.

115. How does a zombie rack up the biggest sack of candy? With dead-ication to trick-or-treating.

116. What's black and white and dead all over? A zombie trick or treating in a tuxedo.

117. When do zombies finish trick or treating? When they are dead tired.

118. Why did the zombie eat brains? He wanted food for thought.

119. What does a zombie call his parents? Mummy and Deady.

120. What sea do zombies swim in? The Dead Sea.

121. What is a zombie's favorite appetizer? Finger food!

122. What is a zombie's favorite food? Human beans.

123. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they like to eat the fingers separately.

124. Why was the zombie valedictorian? It was dead-icated to its studies.

125. Why did everyone leave the zombie party? It wasn't very lively.

126. Why don't ghosts like rain? Because it dampens their spirits.

127. What did the ghost ask the other? "Do you believe in people?"

128. What is the ghost's favorite ride at the amusement park? The roller-ghoster!

129. What's a ghost's favorite drink? Boo-berry juice.

130. What do Italian ghosts have for dinner? Spook-hetti!

131. What did the mommy ghost say to the noisy young ghost who kept interrupting? "Spook when you're spooken to."

132. What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurry? Spooktacles.

133. Why do female ghosts go on a diet? So they can keep their ghoulish figure.

134. Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.

135. What's in a ghost's nose? Boo-gers.

136. What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

137. What do ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing cream.

138. What do ghosts use to wash their hair? Sham-boo!

139. What's a ghost's favorite show? Romeo and Ghouliet.

140. Why are ghosts so bad at communicating? They ghost you.

141. Who did the ghost take on a date? His ghoul-friend.

142. Why wouldn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with him.

143. What position does the ghost play in soccer? Ghoul-keeper.

144. What's a ghost's favorite dessert? I-Scream!

145. Where do ghosts buy their food? At the ghost-ery store!

146. How do you know when a ghost is sad? He starts boo-hooing.

147. What kind of horse do ghosts ride? A night-mare.

148. What room does a ghost not need in a house? A living room.

149. Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders? They have a lot of spirit!

150. What do ghosts drink at parties? Ghoul-aid.