The 100 Best Chuck Norris Jokes That Will Make You Explode

1. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

2. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

3. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

5. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

6. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

7. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

8. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

9. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.

10. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

11. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

12. There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

13. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

14. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

15. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

16. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

17. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

18. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

19. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

20. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

21. Chuck Norris has a diary, it is called the Guinness Book Of World Records.

22. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he's pushing the Earth down.

23. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

24. The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

25. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

26. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

27. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.

28. Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

29. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

30. Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

31. Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

32. Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

33. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

34. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

35. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

36. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

37. Chuck Norris doesn't need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.

38. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

39. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

40. Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

41. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

42. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

43. When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get in shape.

44. Chuck Norris once spun a ball on his finger, to this day planet earth continues to turn.

45. Chuck Norris can make sticks by rubbing two fires together.

46. When Chuck Norris lifts dumbbells, they get smarter.

47. Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test. The machine confessed everything.

48. Chuck Norris can fold airplanes into paper.

49. Chuck Norris picked an apple from an orange tree and made lemonade.

50. Chuck Norris can put a plane in reverse.

51. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

52. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

53. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

54. On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.

55. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

56. Chuck Norris breathes air… five times a day.

57. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

58. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

59. Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

60. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

61. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

62. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

63. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

64. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

65. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

66. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

67. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

68. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

69. Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.

70. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

71. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

72. When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

73. Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.

74. Chuck Norris didn't call the wrong number, you answered the wrong phone.

75. Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

76. In the Beginning there was nothing… then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

77. When God said, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say Please."

78. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.

79. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, 'Two seconds till.' After you ask, 'Two seconds to what?' he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

80. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

81. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

82. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

83. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It's now called Red Bull.

84. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.

85. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

86. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

87. Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

88. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

89. Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.

90. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

91. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

92. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

93. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

94. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn't work.

95. Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.

96. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors.

97. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

98. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

99. Chuck Norris' belly button is actually a power outlet.

100. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.