60 Eye Jokes That Will Make Your Eyes Teary

1. Why did the teacher who needed glasses quit her job? She couldn't control her pupils.

2. Patient: "Doc, I get a stabbing pain in my eye every time I take a sip of coffee." Doctor: "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the mug?"

3. What did the right eye say to the left eye? "Between you and me, there's something that smells."

4. I met my girlfriend in 2020. She has pretty eyes. I haven't seen her mouth and nose yet, but her eyes are pretty.

5. Woman 1: "I used to date a man with a lazy eye." Woman 2: "Why did you stop?" Woman 1: "He was seeing someone on the side."

6. A man goes to the optometrist for his eye test and is asked what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football fields, closed theaters, and closed pubs," he says. To which the optometrist replies, "Perfect — you've got 2020 vision!"

7. Patient: "Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes, and I can't see a thing!" Doctor: "Any other symptoms?" Patient: "No, but I have the strangest feeling this has happened before." Doctor: "French mustard?" Patient: "Yes, why?" Doctor: "It's dijon view."

8. Why did the optometrist decide to go into real estate? She wanted to cornea the market.

9. A man gets an eye exam, after which the doctor has a concerned look on her face. "What's wrong?" asks the patient. "Well, your test results don't look too good," the doctor says. "Can I see them?" says the patient. The doctor answers, "Probably not."

10. What did the optometrist-turned-lawyer say at the end of their first trial? "Iris my case."

11. Why don't optometrists use tape measures? They're really good at eyeballing it.

12. Patient: "Doc, my eyes are really dry." Eye Doctor: "Here, smell this onion." Patient: "That made me cry!" Eye Doctor: "Great, I pulled out the onion to make you moist-your-eyes."

13. How did the optometrist-turned-politician do in her first election? She won by a lenslide.

14. Cop: "Let me know if you see the suspect with one eye." Bystander: "I already saw him run that way, but I was using both my eyes."

15. What do you call it when an optician runs a two-for-one glasses special? Buy one, get one see.

16. Man 1: "I stopped seeing my girlfriend two days ago." Man 2: "Really? What happened?" Man 1: "She accidentally poked me in the eyes."

17. A patient gets their eyes checked after cataract surgery. Patient: "How does it look, doc? Am I able to play the piano?" Doctor: "It looks all fine. With the right glasses, it should be no problem." Patient: "That's amazing — I've never played the piano before!"

18. Did you hear about the optician who lost his license? Because he couldn't focus!

19. What was the optometrist's favorite YA book growing up? Lord of the Eyes.

20. I told my ophthalmologist father I didn't want to hear anymore eye jokes... They just get cornea and cornea.

1. What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes? A 'do-you-think-he-saurus.'

2. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

3. What do you call a penguin with no eye? Pengun!

4. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer!

5. What has four eyes and a mouth? The Mississippi.

6. How many eye doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? One... or two?!

7. What happens after you rub ketchup in your eyes? You feel silly in Heinz sight.

8. Why do beekeepers have such beautiful eyes? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

9. Why are potatoes better for your vision than carrots? Because they start their life in an eye!

10. Why do potatoes make great crime fighters? They always keep their eyes peeled!

11. What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig.

12. What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in his eye? Chicken sees a salad.

13. Why did the phone wear glasses? He'd lost all of his contacts.

14. Where can you always locate the eye? Exactly between H and J.

15. What kind of vision do all the sanitation workers have? Bin-ocular vision.

16. Where do rabbits get their eyes checked? The hop-tometrist.

17. Why are E.T.'s eyes so big? He saw his phone bill.

18. What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety goggles? Eye-rony!

19. Why is Sleepy the Dwarf so good at sleeping? He can do it with his eyes closed.

20. When are your eyes not eyes? When the cold winter wind makes them water.

1. Why did the guy try to avoid eye surgery by rubbing ketchup in his eyes? He had heard that Heinz sight was 20/20.

2. At what elevation is your vision the best? See Level.

3. What did the eyeball say to the eyelid? "I wish you wouldn't keep me in the dark!"

4. Why did the pirate walk into the bar? He had his patch on the wrong eye.

5. Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor. Everyone.

6. What do you say to a pirate with two eyes? "Aye aye, captain!"

7. How are your eye doctor and your teacher the same? They both spend their days testing pupils!

8. What do you call it when an Apple user looks you in the eye? iContact.

9. For Thanksgiving, my optometrist gave me a basket filled with contact solution, contacts, glasses, lens cleaner, and more. It was a cornea-copia of goods.

10. Your eyes aren't real. They're just in your head.

11. What's another name for an eye dropper? Clumsy ophthalmologist.

12. Johnny was looking out the window, straining his eyes to see a billboard half a mile away. "What are you doing?" asks his friend. "Well," Johnny says, "my mom says I can only go out and play if I have supervision."

13. A giant, angry cyclops is heading our way right now... You might say we're on the wink of destruction.

14. Why was the golfer crying his eyes out? He was going through a rough patch.

15. What did one eye say to the other before vision surgery? "Eye wish you the best."

16. Looking for a good eye doctor... I can't see mine anymore.

17. I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery. I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers.

18. What excuse did the lens give to the police officer when he was caught speeding? He said, "I've been framed, sir."

19. Did you hear about the webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain? It's a site for sore eyes.

20. Why could the cyclops not stop crying? They had really good moistur-eyes-er!