50 Groucho Marx Quotes: Funny Words That Will Make You Smile

1. "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

2. “She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.”

3. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

4. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.”

5. "Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."

6. "A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

7. “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

8. “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

9. “Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

10. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

11. “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

12. "Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

13. "A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

14. “Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!”

15. “I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”

1. “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

2. "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

3. “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

4. “I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.”

5. “If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.”

6. “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”

7. “While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

8. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

9. “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

10. "Humor is reason gone mad."

11. “The only real laughter comes from despair.”

12. “The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”

13. "Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out."

14. "Patience is the art of finding something else to do."

1. "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

2. "I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

3. "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

4. "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

5. "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

6. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”

7. "All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

8. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

9. “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

10. “When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”

11. “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

12. “If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

13. “I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”

14. “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”

15. “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”

16. "I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

17. "No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

18. "Before I speak, I have something important to say."

19. “Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

20. “I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”

21. “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

22. “There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.”

23. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”

24. "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

25. "It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious."

26. "Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning."