105 Military Jokes for Every Military Branch

1. What month do all troops hate? March.

2. Why does the military plant trees every year? To grow the infant tree.

3. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.

4. What happened when the ice cream cone and cheesecake abandoned their fellow soldiers? They were wanted for dessert-ion.

5. What do soldiers want to know before getting married? The rules of engagement.

6. Did you hear about the accident on base? A tank ran over a box of popcorn and killed two kernels.

7. What form is required for all members of the military? A uniform.

8. Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time? To see 20:20.

9. What do you call a soldier who loves to hang out? Company commander.

10. When is the only acceptable time to use trench warfare? As a last-ditch effort.

11. Why was the sergeant mad when his son brought home a 100 on a math test? The kid spent more time dividing than conquering.

12. What happened to the soldier who tried to be a stand-up comedian? He bombed.

13. Who won the zombie war? Nobody. It was dead even.

14. Why are there no knock-knock jokes about the American military? Because freedom rings!

15. What do you call a high-ranking officer who's chatty? General Discussion.

16. What always has the right of way on the battlefield? Incoming fire.

17. What do you call a high-ranking soldier who hates recycling? General Waste.

18. What date is a military command? March Fourth!

19. Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military? He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.

20. Why do SEALs fall backwards off the boat? If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

21. What do you get if you accidentally drop a piano on a military base? A flat major.

22. Why does the military only allow dress shirts during ceremonies and events? Civilian casual tees are absolutely unacceptable.

23. How do different military branches use stars? The Army sleeps under the stars. The Navy navigates by the stars. The Air Force chooses hotels by the stars.

24. Why do members of the military often marry lovers from the foreign countries they were deployed in? When they come home, they get to leave their inlaws thousands of miles away.

25. What do you call a shipment full of military-issued T. rexes? Small arms.

26. What rank are all cats in the army? Corpurrrrrral.

27. Why is the Army so strict about uniforms? To minimize casual tees.

28. Why aren't army soldiers super cool? Because they all go through basic training.

29. What do you call a soldier who loves to paint? An art-illery master.

30. Who's the highest-ranking officer in the mess hall? General Tso.

31. What is a soldier's least-favorite date? March 4th.

32. Why did the soldier detonate the bomb? He wanted to C4 himself.

33. What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and the Army? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

34. What is Army an acronym for? A Recruiter Misled You.

35. What does a real Army soldier have in common with a little green Army toy? They'll both hurt you if you step on them.

36. Why did the Army veteran become a dentist? He had experience as a drill sergeant.

37. Where do Generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.

38. What do you call a deer enlisted in the Air Force? A bombardeer.

39. What branch of the military do babies belong to? The infantry.

40. What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet? Lieutenant.

41. What kind of breath mints do military officers use? Tac-tics.

42. What do you call a weapon which is fully loaded with ammunition? A ri-full!

43. What do you call a soldier giving birth to a baby on a fighter jet plane? Airborne!

44. What happens when a military soldier makes cookies made out of chocolate chips? You are going to find a lot of shells of M&M on the floor!

45. What do you call a military officer who visits the bathroom way too often? A lootenant!

46. Why was the major angry when the owl decided to take a leave without informing the authorities? Because the owl went AWOL!

47. What is the best way to refer to a military private who completely exposed his position to the enemy? It no longer is private but is now public!

48. What do you call a military soldier who ends up saving a couple of important things? The reserves!

49. What do you call a military officer who always loves playing melodic pentatonic major scales and no minor scales? A flat major!

50. What is the main similarity between a military veteran and a professional volleyball player? They both know how to serve!

51. What do you call an aircraft full of cattle? Total bull ship.

52. Why does the Navy prefer recruits who can't swim? Because they're more motivated to defend their ship.

53. What percentage of Naval recruits are pirates? 3.14.

54. Why did the man join the Navy out of spite? Because he was a petty officer.

55. Why does the Navy want to recruit more women? To keep the ocean from being a total buoys club.

56. What military branch is fond of horses? The Neigh-vy.

57. Why couldn't the sailors play cards? The captain was sitting on the deck.

58. What grades do you need to join the Navy? Seven Cs.

59. What's the difference between a Navy air crewman and an otter? The otter knows he's not a seal.

60. Why does the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on its ships? So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

61. My friend has a really unhealthy relationship with Navy vessels. He warships them.

62. What happens when you eat too many Navy beans? You end up with a dishonorable discharge.

63. What's a sailor's favorite type of movie? A sea-quel.

64. What do you call a dog who joins the Navy? A subwoofer.

65. Why don't the Jedi have a Navy? Because sailing is a path to the dockside.

66. What did one troubled sailor say to the other? "We're in the same boat."

67. What do you call a snail aboard a ship? A snailor.

68. What did the Navy say to the Coast Guard? "SEAL you later!"

69. Why was the guy who just passed high school and wanted to join the navy rejected when he was asked if he knew how to swim or not? Because he instantly replied, "Won't there be any boats in the navy?"

70. What is the best way to define the navy of a nation that is highly conservative? They usually call the navy a censor ship!

71. What's long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.

72. What did the Navy dentist put on his license plate? TOP GUM.

73. Air Force pilot to a seaman: "You're telling me that you're in the Navy but can't swim?" Seaman: "You're in the Air Force. Can you fly?"

74. What do you do if you find a marine who is very hungry? You offer him a sub sandwich!

75. Just because there are no complaints, doesn't all mean parachutes are perfect.

76. Which branch is the most patriotic? The Air Force, because they are U.S. AF.

77. How do you know if there's an Air Force pilot at your party? Oh, don't worry. He'll tell you as soon as he walks in.

78. What did the pilot say to the co-pilot when they flew faster than the speed of sound? "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

79. Why did the Air Force pilot prefer Paul McCartney's solo work? Because he's a Wings-man.

80. Where do rabbits learn to fly? The hare force.

81. How do you play Air Force bingo? "A-10! B-52! F-16!"

82. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a fighter jet? The jet stops whining once you turn off the engine.

83. What's the difference between God and an Air Force pilot? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

84. How do you make an Air Force pilot's life more like Top Gun? You take their breath away.

85. When is the only time a plane has too much fuel? When it's on fire.

86. How are mathematicians like the Air Force? Both use pi-lots.

87. What do you call a large formation of MAC aircraft? A Big Mac Attack.

88. What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. Doubt it? Stop the propeller and watch the pilot sweat.

89. How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. He just holds it while the world revolves around him.

90. What do pilots and air traffic controllers have in common? If pilots screw up, they die. If air traffic controllers screw up, pilots also die.

91. How do you know when your date with a fighter pilot is halfway over? He says, "Anyway, enough about me. Do you want to hear about my plane?"

92. How does a Marine greet a cow? "Moo-rah!"

93. Why don't Marines wish they were a part of Army/Navy football games? Because then who'd keep the Army and Navy's girlfriends company?

94. Where do they send you if you don't meet the requirements to be a Marine? The Navy, where you're a sub-Marine.

95. What is the main mission of the Marines? To make sure Army soldiers never get their feet wet.

96. What do Marines have in common with other members of the armed forces? They all originally set out to become Marines.

97. What do you call a Marine who gives up? Deceased.

98. How did the friendly Marine greet everyone? "Semper hi!"

99. Why did the Marine never go inside or sit down? Because being a Marine is "outstanding!"

100. Where do Marines go for a romantic getaway? Parris … Island.

101. How can you tell the difference between a Marine and a marine mammal? About six minutes underwater.

102. How do we know Marines love pizza? Because like their anthem says, they go from the halls of mozzarella to the shores of triple-cheese.

103. What do you call a drunk Marine? A barhead.

104. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160? A platoon.

105. What do you call a Marine with a head wound? Ajar head.