60 Funny Quotes About Life, Love, Family, and Work That will Make You Burst Out Laughing

1. "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” - Elbert Hubbard

2. "A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” - Graham Norton

3. "I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill

4. “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” - Judith Martin

5. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” - Ellen DeGeneres

6. “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” - Golda Meir

7. "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'" - Charles M. Schulz

8. "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." - Will Rogers

9. "People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” - Mike Bechtle

10. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” - Ellen DeGeneres

11. “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” - Bo Derek

12. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later." - Mitch Hedberg

13. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” - Jack Handey

14. "Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." - Margaret Mead

15. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball

1. "Love is a misunderstanding between two fools." - Oscar Wilde

2. "Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs." - David Levithan

3. "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." - Milton Berle

4. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." - Will Ferrell

5. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner

6. "You can't blame gravity for falling in love." - Albert Einstein

7. "Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." - Phyllis Diller

9. "My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light." - Rodney Dangerfield

10. "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry

11. "In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." - Woody Allen

12. "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield

13. "As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy." - Ralphie May

14. "Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." - Helen Rowland

15. "If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." - Alan King

1. "Children brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off." - Ralph Bus

2. "Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble." - Martin Mull

3. “There is no cure for laziness but a large family helps.” - Herbert V. Prochnow

4. “The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.” - Erma Bombeck

5. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” -Phyllis Diller

6. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” -Erma Bombeck

7. "Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops." - Cary Grant

8. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” - Buddy Hackett

9. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” - P.J. O’Rourke

10. “Having one kid makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” - David Frost

11. “Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.” - Unknown

12. “Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?” - Rick Riordan

13. “It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.” - Unknown

14. “It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” - Betty White

15. “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” - Sam Levenson

1. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb

2. "Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished." - Leslie Nielsen

3. "No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early." - Groucho Marx

4. "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

5. "Work is against human nature.  The proof is that it makes us tired." - Michel Tournier

6. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." - Oscar Wilde

7. "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" - Edgar Bergen

8. "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." - Jerome K. Jerome

9. "If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock." - Claude McDonald

10. "My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still at work." - Unknown

11. "I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday." - Unknown

12. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” - Drew Carey

13. “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” - Robert Orben

14. “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” - Bill Gates

15. “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” - John Gotti