45 Funny New Year Quotes to Kickstart 2026 With Laughter

1. "Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." - Bill Vaughn

2. "I would say, 'Happy New Year,' but it's not happy; it's exactly the same as last year except colder." - Robert Clark

3. "Happy New Year! It is midnight already, and you are getting old—just go to sleep!" - Unknown

4. "New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendars." - Unknown

5. "Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." - Oprah Winfrey

6. "An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." - Bill Vaughn

7. "New Year's Day is every man's birthday." - Charles Lamb

8. "For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice – hopefully with fewer typos this time." - T.S. Eliot

9. "I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but nobody likes a quitter." - Unknown

10. "'Out with the old, in with the new' is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting." - Andy Borowitz

11. "Every New Year's I have the same question: 'How did I get home?'" - Melanie White

12. "If you want an interesting party, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone." - Robert Fulghum

13. "Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man." - Benjamin Franklin

14. "Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?" - Ogden Nash

15. "Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it's twice as onerous a duty." - John Selden

1. "Last year's resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go." - Unknown

2. "May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall." - Aleister Crowley

3. "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." - Mark Twain

4. "New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." - James Agate

5. "May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." - Joey Lauren Adams

6. "Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since." - Dave Beard

7. "My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself." - Zach Galifianakis

8. "My New Year's resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes." - Unknown

9. "My New Year's resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 3,000 pounds." - Nia Vardalos

10. "Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account." - Oscar Wilde

11. "Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle." - Eric Zorn

12. "I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years'." - Henry Moore

13. "Many years ago, I made a New Year's resolution to never make New Year's resolutions. Hell, it's been the only resolution I've ever kept!" - D.S. Mixell

14. "If I had a dollar for every failed resolution, I'd be rich enough to skip making one this year." - Unknown

15. "They say New Year's resolutions are like babies… fun to make but hard to maintain." - Unknown

1. "If you decide to cut something out this year, try replacing it with something else to balance out the loss. If you stop drinking soda, for example, replace it with becoming more sedentary. You deserve it. You loved soda." - Colin Nissan

2. "Have a carefree New Year's Eve and a hangover-free New Year's Day." - Unknown

3. "You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I'm only going to dread one day at a time." - Charlie Brown

4. "The funniest part of a new year is making new resolutions. I am pretty sure you have one too. Let me know about your resolution, and I'll try not to laugh as I did in the last year." - Unknown

5. "My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my TV." - Unknown

6. "My goal for 2025 is to accomplish the goals of 2024, which I should have done in 2023, because I made a promise in 2022 and planned in 2021!" - Unknown

7. "'Out with the old, in with the new' is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting." - Andy Borowitz

8. "It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets." - William Thomas

9. "I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person." - Unknown

10. "I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser." - Robert Paul

11. "So tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999." - Prince

12. "He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool." - Farquhar McGillivray Knowles

13. "Let's not spend New Year's Eve trying to figure out where to spend New Year's Eve." - Unknown

14. "A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other." - Unknown

15. "Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy, Happy New Year everybody." - Phyllis McGinley