65 Sarcastic New Year Quotes for a Funny Start to the Year

1. “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” - William Thomas

2. “May the new year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue so that I triumph even when I fall.” - Aleister Crowley

3. “I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” - Robert Paul

4. “I would say, ‘Happy New Year,’ but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.” - Robert Clark

5. “New Year’s is a harmless annual institution of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.” - Mark Twain

6. “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.” - Farquhar McGillivray Knowles

7. “Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” - Oprah Winfrey

8. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” - Bill Vaughan

9. “I made no resolutions for the new year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.” - Anaïs Nin

10. “If you decide to cut something out this year, try replacing it with something else to balance out the loss. If you stop drinking soda, for example, replace it with becoming more sedentary. You deserve it. You loved soda.” - Colin Nissan

11. “This New Year’s, I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until Jan. 2.” - Melanie White

12. “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” - Oscar Wilde

13. “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.” - Oscar Wilde

14. “New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” - James Agate

15. “My New Year’s resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between ten and three thousand pounds.” - Nia Vardalos

1. "My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my expectations low."

2. "I've got 99 resolutions and I'll quit all of them by January 5th."

3. "New Year's resolution: stop making promises I know I won't keep."

4. "This year I resolve to lose weight, save money, and find my keys. One out of three isn't bad."

5. "My resolution is to stop procrastinating, starting next week."

6. "I'm making resolutions this year. They're just really, really achievable. Like breathing."

7. "New Year's resolution: remember what my New Year's resolution was."

8. "My gym membership and my New Year's resolution have something in common: they're both wasted."

9. "This year I resolve to stop buying self-help books I'll never read."

10. "My resolution is to be more organized. I wrote it on a sticky note I already lost."

11. "I resolve to wake up early. Then I remember I also resolve to get enough sleep."

12. "New Year's resolution: finally use that planner I bought three years ago."

13. "My resolution is to eat healthier. Pizza has vegetables on it, right?"

14. "This year I'm keeping my resolutions simple: don't die, don't cry too much."

15. "I resolve to save money by not buying things I don't need. Online shopping doesn't count."

16. "My New Year's resolution is to stop making excuses. Starting next month."

17. "I'm resolving to drink more water. Does coffee have water in it?"

18. "This year I resolve to be less stressed. I'm already stressed about keeping this resolution."

19. "My resolution is to read more books. Scrolling through social media counts, right?"

20. "I resolve to call my relatives more often. Can texting 'happy birthday' count?"

21. "New Year's resolution: stop hitting snooze. Let's be honest, I'll hit it five times tomorrow."

22. "My resolution is to learn a new skill. Does watching tutorial videos count as learning?"

23. "I'm resolving to be more productive. Right after this nap."

24. "This year I resolve to finally organize my closet. Or just buy more storage bins."

25. "My New Year's resolution is to stop lying to myself about my New Year's resolutions."

1. "New year, new me. Just kidding, therapy is expensive."

2. "Everyone expects me to change in the new year. I can barely change my bedsheets."

3. "The only thing changing this year is the number on my calendar."

4. "New year, new me. Error 404: motivation not found."

5. "People say change is good. My bank account disagrees."

6. "I'm not resisting change, I'm just very committed to staying the same."

7. "New year, new me. Update failed. Please try again never."

8. "The only change I'm making this year is from my couch to my bed."

9. "Change is hard. That's why I'm sticking with what I know: being mediocre."

10. "New year, same me. I'm a limited edition, not a work in progress."

11. "Everyone's talking about change. I'm just trying to find my other sock."

12. "New year, new me. But first, let me finish being old me for a few more months."

13. "I tried changing once. It was uncomfortable. Never again."

14. "The only transformation I'm making is from awake to asleep."

15. "New year, new me. Terms and conditions apply. Results may vary. Probably won't happen."

16. "Change is inevitable. Except from vending machines. They never work."

17. "New year, same me. Because I'm already perfect. Obviously."

18. "I don't need to change. I need everyone else to lower their expectations."

19. "The only thing I'm changing this year is my pajamas. Maybe."

20. "New year, new me. Starring the same actor, same script, same ending."

21. "Change starts from within. That's why I'm not starting."

22. "New year, same me. If it's not broken, why fix it? Okay, maybe it's a little broken."

23. "I'm all for change. As long as everything stays exactly the same."

24. "New year, new me. But the old me had better snacks."

25. "The only change I'm experiencing is the loose coins in my pocket."