100 New Year Jokes to Welcome 2026 With a Loud Laugh

1. What is a New Year's resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.

2. Youth is when you're allowed to stay up on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

3. What do New Year's parades have in common with Santa Claus? No one is ever awake to see them.

4. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

5. Why doesn't anyone listen to each other on New Year's Eve? Because their words go in one year and out the other.

6. What do you call someone who says they know all the words to "Auld Lang Syne"? A liar.

7. My New Year's resolution is to see my cup half-full, preferably with rum, gin, vodka or moonshine.

8. What's the worst part of jogging on New Year's Eve? The ice falling out of your drink!

9. Why did the clock get promoted on New Year's Eve? It really made every second count!

10. Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve. It's December 31st.

11. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

12. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!

13. Why is partying in Times Square overrated? Because they drop the ball every year.

14. My New Year's resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.

15. I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

16. Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year's resolutions. Yep, they're tucked away in a journal on my bookcase.

17. My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time and money to charities. I've decided to make my own coffee once a week.

18. Why did the calendar break up with December 31st? It needed a date change!

19. My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

20. An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year's Eve. One was charged, and the other was let off.

21. This year, I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

22. At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 more to go!

23. My New Year's resolution is to stop procrastinating. But I'll wait until tomorrow to start.

24. A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions. So it's best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.

25. New Year? I just got used to this last one!

26. This New Year's, I'm going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.

27. My dad gave up smoking cold turkey for New Year's. He's doing better now but he's still coughing up feathers.

28. I don't know why people flock to Times Square on New Year's Eve. They always drop the ball.

29. This New Year's, I've resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.

30. Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon. But they didn't planet in time.

31. What did the little champagne bottle call his father? Pop!

32. What does a ghost say on January 1st? Happy Boo Year!

33. What's a cow's favorite holiday? Moo Year's Eve.

34. What is corn's favorite holiday? New Ears Day!

35. Why do you need a jeweler on New Year's Eve? To ring in the New Year.

36. What do snowmen like to do on New Year's Eve? Chill out!

37. Where can you go to practice math on New Year's Eve? Times Square.

38. What did Adam say to Eve on December 31? It's New Year's, Eve.

39. Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer? To start off the New Year in a cool way.

40. What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year's Eve? Hogs and kisses.

41. What does a caterpillar do on January 1? Turns over a new leaf.

42. What food should you avoid on New Year's? Firecrackers.

43. Why do birds fly south for New Year's Eve? Because it's too far to walk.

44. What did the cat say on New Year's Eve? Meow.

45. What do you tell someone you didn't see on New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!

46. Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on Dec. 31? He wanted to make a New Year's toast!

47. Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year's Eve? He wanted to start the year with sweet dreams.

48. What's a digital camera's New Year's resolution? 1080p.

49. What does a field grow on January 1? New Year's hay.

50. What was Dr. Frankenstein's New Year's resolution? To make new friends.

51. Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve? Waiting for the punchline.

52. Why was the clock so calm on New Year's Day? It had time on its side.

53. What do you call a snowman party on New Year's Eve? A snowball.

54. What did one confetti say to the other confetti? Pull yourself together.

55. Why did the New Year go to school? To get a little brighter!

56. What's the best way to toast the New Year? With a loaf of bread!

57. Why don't eggs tell jokes at New Year's parties? They would crack each other up!

58. What group hates New Year's Day? The New Year's Eve cleanup crew.

59. Where did the chef celebrate New Year's Eve? Thyme's Square.

60. What's a spider's New Year's resolution? To spend less time on the web.

61. What does every new year have in store for us? Another 365 days!

62. How did Prince celebrate the new millennium? He partied like it was 1999.

63. In what year did Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall in the same year? Every year!

64. What New Year's resolution should a basketball player never make? To travel more.

65. What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.

66. Knock, knock! Who's there? Abby. Abby who? Abby New Year!

67. Knock, knock! Who's there? Razor. Razor who? Razor glass and toast to a happy new year.

68. Knock knock. Who's there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, it's a new year.

69. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah better way to start the year than with you.

70. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Champ. Champ who? Champ-pagne's on me—it's New Year's Eve!

71. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Howie. Howie who? Howie gonna stay up till midnight?

72. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Jan. Jan who? Jan-uary believe it's already another year?

73. Knock, knock! Who's there? Cheese. Cheese who? For cheese a jolly good fellow.

74. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Clock. Clock who? Clocking out of last year and into the new one!

75. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Reso. Reso who? Reso-lutely ready for a fresh start!

76. Knock, knock. Who's there? Scold. Scold who? Scold enough out here to go ice skating on New Year's.

77. Knock, knock. Who's there? Hannah. Hannah who? Hannah Happy New Year!

78. Knock, knock. Who's there? Happy New Year! It's me, Snow. Snow who? Snowbody.

79. Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in. It's freezing on New Year's!

80. Knock, knock! Who's there? Mary and Abby! Mary and Abby who? Mary Christmas and a Abby new year.

81. What's a champagne bottle's least favorite subject? Pop quizzes!

82. I always visit my local tire shop on New Years. Then I will know it will be a Goodyear.

83. What's a teacher's favorite New Year's resolution? To give more A's!

84. What do you call a New Year's Eve party for mathematicians? A countdown function.

85. Let's celebrate New Year's by making many pour decisions!

86. What do you call someone named Stephen on Dec. 31? New Year's Steve!

87. Why are there so many vampires out on New Year's Eve? For Old Fangs Time.

88. What does a ghoul say on Dec. 31? "Happy New Fear!"

89. Who gets the most excited about the New Year's Eve countdown? Calendar companies.

90. Why was 6 afraid of 9 on New Year's Eve? Because 9, 8, 7...

91. What was the Amityville Priest's resolution? To exorcise more.

92. What did Che Guevara make on New Year's Day? A New Year's revolution.

93. What did George Washington do before New Year's Eve? He made a New Year's revolution.

94. My favorite thing to say on New Year's Day is that I can remember last year like it was yesterday.

95. What kind of toilets do French people use on January 1st? New Year's Bidet.

96. My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions. That way I succeed at something!

97. I would lose weight for my New Year's resolution, but I hate losing.

98. Dracula passed out at midnight on New Year's Eve; there was a countdown.

99. What was the opening line of the spice rack's New Year's toast? "Cheers to the good thymes!"

100. What did the cheerleaders say on New Year's Day? Happy New Cheer!