100 Medical Jokes That Will Make Your Stomach Hurt

Liputan6.com, Jakarta - Many people may feel nervous when they think about hospitals, doctors, or checkups. The smell of medicine, the sound of machines, and long waiting times can make you uncomfortable. In these moments, medical jokes can help you feel a little more relaxed and less worried about your situation.

Thinking about sickness all day can make your mind feel tired and stressed. Pain may feel stronger when you focus on it too much. You can use medical jokes to shift your mood for a moment. A small laugh can help your body relax and reduce stress and discomfort.

In this article, we have gathered some funny medical jokes that will make you laugh until your belly hurts. Let's check them out and get ready to laugh out loud!

1. I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

2. Why did Dracula go to the doctor? He couldn’t stop coffin.

3. You can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely.

4. What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

5. Why does Internal Medicine have the funniest doctors? They know all the inside jokes.

6. What do you call a lie told by a cardiologist? A fib.

7. I just had a successful liver transplant operation. That surgeon really de-livered!

8. I’ve got a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. The doctor says it’s terminal.

9. Never lie to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.

10. Why does the infectious diseases ward of the hospital have the best Wi-Fi? Because of all of the hotspots.

11. How did the cat know it was sick? It wasn’t feline well.

12. Why did the mattress go to the doctor? It had spring fever.

13. How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU.

14. Why did the window go to the doctor? It had a lot of pane.

15. Bad doctor puns are hard to stomach.

16. Conversations between brain surgeons can be mind-numbing.

17. A friend of mine made so many rash decisions that he became a dermatologist.

18. Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine, but CAT-scan.

19. Medical students hate the test on kidney stones, it’s the hardest to pass.

20. It takes guts to be an organ donor.

21. I totally forgot to go to my neurologist to get my memory checked.

22. I have a rheumatologist joke to tell, but it's too inflammatory.

23. What’s the opposite of antibiotics? Unclebiotics.

24. Honestly, I prefer can’t-cer.

25. If I have to explain the Latin term “ad nauseum” one more time… I’m going to be sick.

26. I can never wear glasses. They make me see-sick.

27. Who can drink 10 litres of petrol and not get sick? Jerry can.

28. What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is just a sick bird.

29. If I have 26 sheep and one dies, how many are left? 19. (20 sick sheep).

30. If you get sick at the airport, it could be a terminal illness.

31. After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.

32. Doctor: “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.” Patient: “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad news?”

33. Doctor: “Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?” Patient: “Give me the good news.” Doctor: “You’re about to have a disease named after you.”

34. Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

35. Patient: “Doctor, I think I need glasses.” Teller: “You certainly do! This is a bank.”

36. Patient: “Doctor, I broke my arm in two places.” Doctor: “Stop going to those places.”

37. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.” Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?” Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”

38. Patient: “Doctor, I have a ringing in my ear.” Doctor: “Then whatever you do, don’t answer it.”

39. Patient: “Doctor, everyone hates me.” Doctor: “Don’t be ridiculous. Not everyone has met you.”

40. Doctor: “Bad news: Your white blood cells are elevated.” Patient: “What does that mean?” Doctor: “Up.”

41. Doctor: “You’re as healthy as a horse!” Patient: “That’s great.” Doctor: “A horse with kidney stones.”

42. Doctor: “I’m sorry, but you only have five minutes to live.” Patient: “Five minutes?! Is there anything I can do?” Doctor: “Boil an egg?”

43. Patient: “Doctor, my child swallowed a pen. What should I do?” Doctor: “Use a pencil.”

44. Patient: “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” Doctor: “Then don’t do that.”

45. Patient: “Doctor, my throat is sore.” Doctor: “Go to the window and stick out your tongue.” Patient: “Will that make me feel better?” Doctor: “No, I just hate my neighbor.”

46. Patient: “Doctor, my leg hurts. What should I do?” Doctor: “Limp.”

47. Patient: “Doctor, every time I look into the mirror, I get sick to my stomach. What’s wrong with me?” Doctor: “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

48. Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!” Doctor: “Actually, not only from curiosity.”

49. Doctor: “Wow, that cut looks terrible. Do you want me to stitch it up?” Patient: “No, thanks.” Doctor: “Fine, suture self.”

50. Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.” Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

51. Doctor: “Your lab results show your DNA is backwards.” Patient: “AND?”

52. Doctor: “You’re losing a lot of blood and need an infusion. What’s your blood type?” Patient: “B positive.” Doctor: “I’m trying, but you’ve lost a lot of blood.”

53. Patient: “Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. What should I do?” Doctor: “Pull yourself together.”

54. Patient: “Doctor, sometimes I feel like I’m invisible.” Doctor: “Who said that?”

55. Patient: “Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film!” Doctor: “Let’s hope nothing develops.”

56. Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.” Patient: “At least it’s not an ugly one.”

57. I played hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.

58. Did you hear about the guy who went to the emergency room? They tried to save him with an IV, but it was all in vein.

59. How is a hospital like a hot nightclub? People are dying to get in.

60. A patient in the emergency room was filling out the admission form. After “Name” and “Address,” the next question was “Nearest Relative.” She wrote, “Within walking distance.”

61. Why do surgeons wear masks? So no one will recognize them if they make a mistake.

62. A doctor checks on their patient before surgery. The patient says, “Doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?” The doctor replies, “Yes, of course.” The patient gets a big smile on his face and says, “That’s great! I never could before!”

63. As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the doctor asked for my wrist, saying, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.” “Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked coyly. “No,” he said, “But it costs just as much.”

64. How do doctors start every conversation with their loved ones? “Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”

65. What’s one thing you never want to hear in the middle of surgery? “Didn’t I have a watch?”

66. A man runs into an emergency room and shouts, “Doctor, my wife’s in labor! But she keeps screaming, ‘Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, can’t!'” The doctor pats the man on the shoulder and says, “She’s just having contractions.”

67. An emergency room doctor asks their patient, “So, what brings you here?” The patient looks around confused, then replies: “An ambulance.”

68. While doing rounds at the hospital, a new nurse kept hearing a surgeon yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!” Confused, he asked a colleague, “Why does she keep doing that?” They explained, “Oh, she likes to call the shots around here.”

69. Hospitals would be a lot more popular if they rebranded themselves as really, really intense spas.

70. I used to work at a hospital, but I got sick of it.

71. Where do horse goes when they get sick? To the horsepital.

72. My wife is getting sick of me not cleaning the coffee machine after I’m done. She thinks it is grounds for divorce.

73. What do blind people do when they get sick? No, seriously. It’s not like they can go see a doctor.

74. How do you know a person is old? When they remember the Dead Sea as just being a little sick.

75. The first Karen to get sick was… Impatient Zero.

76. What’s the one procedure that has never ended in a patient’s death? An autopsy.

77. Dentists always get to the root of the problem.

78. What’s a dentist’s favorite idiom? Put your money where your mouth is.

79. What is the dentist’s favorite animal? The molar bear.

80. What did the Dentist of the Year get? A little plaque.

81. What did the patient say when the dentist said she needed a crown? “I know, right?”

82. How did the dental hygienist land a job? By word of mouth.

83. What type of bear has no teeth? A gummy bear.

84. Why did the smartphone go to the dentist? It had a Bluetooth.

85. Why should you be true to your teeth? So they won’t be false to you.

86. What is a dentist’s favorite dinosaur? Flossosaurus.

87. What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Toothhurty (2:30).

88. Why is it sometimes necessary to get a second opinion from a dentist? Because each dentist has their own floss-ophy.

89. What kind of filling did the little boy want for his cavity? Chocolate.

90. Why was a Toronto dentist in Panama? He was searching for the root canal.

91. Why do teeth move? Shift happens.

92. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Urine. Urine who? Urine trouble!

93. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Colin. Colin who? Colin the doctor! I’m sick!

94. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Doctor. Doctor Who? No, that’s a TV show. I’m a medical professional.

95. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Sarah. Sarah who? Sarah doctor in the house?

96. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Minneapolis. Minneapolis who? Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away!

97. Knock-knock. Who’s there? HIPPA. HIPPA who? Sorry, I can’t tell you that.

98. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ah. Ah who? No, it’s achoo. If you can’t even sneeze right, you must be very sick!

99. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Tish. Tish who? Yes, thanks. I just sneezed.

100. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Interrupting tongue depressor. Interrupting tongue de– AHHHHHHHH!