100 Computer Jokes That Will Make Your Stomach Hurt

1. The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

2. I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes. Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

3. When the person who invented the USB drive dies they'll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

4. Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they can't C#.

5. I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

6. Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

7. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

8. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

9. Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.

10. Why shouldn't you use "beef stew" as a computer password? It's not stroganoff.

11. Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook? Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it. Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun? Person 2: Word.

12. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

13. "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" very long pause... "Java."

14. My computer said my password is insecure. Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.

15. An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol.

16. What do you get when you cross a computer and a lifeguard? A screensaver!

17. Why does x86 have so many instructions? Because having too few would be too RISC-y.

18. How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

19. I joined a support group for former computer hackers. Anonymous Anonymous.

20. Why are laptops like air conditioning units? They stop working properly when you open too many windows.

21. Saw "IT" last night... Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated.

22. My laptop is missing a key. I lost ctrl.

23. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... Oh wait, he does.

24. A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

25. Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mum saying "I have a computer question."

26. We'll we'll we'll... if it isn't autocorrect.

27. Autocorrect can go straight to hell.

28. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.

29. Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

30. A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

31. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

32. There's no place like 127.0.0.1

33. What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot? A cursor!

34. Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!

35. What chemical is released in your brain when you see something funny on the internet? Dopameme.

36. Do you know the keyboard shortcut to help you not have to go the bathroom when you're working or playing PC games? Ctrl P.

37. Where did the software developer go?! I don't know, he ransomware!

38. My Internet stopped working for 5 minutes. Met my parents. They're nice people.

39. If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

40. How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots.

41. What's a computer's favorite snack? Microchips.

42. What do you get when you cross a dog and a computer? A machine that has a bark worse than its byte.

43. Why couldn't the computer take its hat off? Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.

44. What happened when the computer geeks met? It was love at first site.

45. What did mommy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

46. What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

47. Where do computers keep their money? In a data bank.

48. Today I made my first money as a programmer. I sold my laptop.

49. I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser. Using Chrome helps take the Edge off.

50. If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

51. Why did the computer show up at work late? It had a hard drive.

52. How does a computer catch a virus? Through its windows.

53. What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell.

54. Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open!

55. What do computers eat when they get hungry? Chips.

56. What did the computer do at lunchtime? It had a byte!

57. Why did the computer sneeze? It had a virus.

58. What did the dentist say to the computer? This won't hurt a byte.

59. Where do computers go to dance? The disk-o.

60. What do you call a computer superhero? A Screen Saver.

61. Why was the computer feeling crunchy? It had too many cookies!

62. Why did the cat sit on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse.

63. What did the computer eat on the moon? Space bars.

64. How are elephants and computers similar? They both have large memories.

65. Why is a computer so smart? It listens to its motherboard.

66. What do you get if you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of Memory.

67. What do computers wear on their feet? Micro-soft shoes!

68. Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse.

69. How do you stop an Internet troll? Seize their memes of production.

70. What is an alien's favorite place on a computer? The space bar.

71. Why doesn't the elephant use the computer? It was afraid of the mouse.

72. What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh.

73. Why did the spider take a laptop to the beach? So it could surf the web.

74. What do you call a cat who wants to sit on you when you're working? A laptop.

75. What did the computer confess at the concert? "I like big bytes and I cannot lie."

76. I was having trouble with my internet at the farm, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi.

77. Where does the USA keep its backups? USB.

78. Have you heard of that new band "1023 Megabytes"? They're pretty good, but they don't have a gig just yet.

79. What should you do after your Nintendo game ends in a tie? Ask for a Wii-match!

80. An Apple store near where I live got robbed. $25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.

81. What's the best way to learn about computers? Bit by bit.

82. My boss calls me "The computer". Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

83. Why did the functions stop calling each other? Because they had constant arguments.

84. What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around? Dead Siri-ous.

85. I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues." Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.

86. My computer suddenly started belting out "Someone Like You." It's a Dell.

87. Why did the computer cross the road? To get a byte to eat.

88. Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its websight.

89. Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married? Because they had a connection.

90. How did the boy break the school computer? His PE teacher told him to kick the ball in the net.

91. Why can't computers play tennis? They try to surf the net.

92. Finding the perfect mouse for your PC sounds like a hard thing to do, but once your hand gets comfortable using a mouse, it just clicks.

93. Why shouldn't doctors prescribe antibiotics to cure sick computers? Because antibiotics have no effect on viruses.

94. I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

95. What do you call a sleepy little computer? A naptop!

96. What's a programmer's least favorite Pixar movie? A Bug's Life.

97. Why do app developer's have such high insurance rates? They're always crashing.

98. Why do most programmers use a dark theme while coding? Because light attracts bugs.

99. What's it called when it takes you a while to find RAM for your computer? Short-term memory loss.

100. Why did the database administrator slice a tree stump in half? He needed a binary log.